Baby Mumma

From that time I was a pregnant bridesmaid, just because

~ Mumsgoneclimbing ~ Leave a comment

Last month two of my favourite couples in the world celebrated their first and forth wedding anniversary’s. I find it a pretty darn glorious coincidence that during both these weddings I got to play the pregnant bridesmaid. In fact, four years ago I was running around taking care of maid of honour duties when two days before the wedding we discovered I was pregnant. It was the most important and wonderful surprise our lives have seen thus far. A week later I wrote this entry in my diary.

bridesmaid

Sharing just because.

” Pure joy is something to relish more often, if only I can remember to stop and smell the flowers. But of course I can, and I must, because those simple joys are so very important. To let the beauty of the world bubble up inside you, spilling over with lightness and love. We are in our new home with lots of space and light. In another six months it will be even more “our” home with little touches that will reflect us. To be honest I guess there will be one quite BIG touch that will reflect us.

A baby. I am Pregnant!

There is no rhyme or reason to it, except that it all makes perfect sense and yet has the fact at all sunk in? Not really. We all talk about it but at the moment our baby is two blue lines on a stick, a prophecy from my Aunt, a nauseous feeling in my empty stomach, a slight cramp as my uterus enlarges, cries and delighted squeals from loved ones, a faint knowing that the next chapter is upon us….An ache of the wanting to create magic…and we will.”

Why you don’t know the best way to parent my children

~ Mumsgoneclimbing ~ Leave a comment

My son was breastfed till 5 months then bottle fed, he was swaddled and rocked to sleep, he had a pacifier, we did lots of tummy time and assisted development exercises, he loves music and song, he used a walker for a LONG time, I baby wore him a lot, I helicopter parent him, we did pureed foods for ages, he doesn’t go to childcare and homeschooling is an option we are considering.

My daughter is five months old and exclusively breastfed, I have co-slept with her from day one, she has never had a pacifier, she has never been swaddled, she loves to snuggle, she feeds to sleep, we do not have a pram for her, I am going to try baby led weaning when she starts solids (no purees), we never forced tummy time, I baby wear her a lot.

Two babies, both my own, I have done some things similar and others quite different. Do you know why I parent my children this way?

No. You don’t.

Because you are not their parent.

handDuring the past week I witnessed an online discussion about a particular method of parenting. Parent A was a big advocate, parent B really loved the theory but after years of trial and error had needed to deviate slightly with her child, parent A wasn’t exactly understanding.

I read the conversation and shook my head. Whether you believe in the ‘mummy wars’ or not there is no denying that when it comes to parenting even the most rational people can get very judgmental and super defensive. I know, I have totally done both. The fact is we tend to get more emotional about matters that are close to our hearts, and being a good parent is of paramount importance for most people. Our choices often leave us feeling emotionally exposed. But what we forget is this journey is not black and white…and no, you will never know the best way to parent my children.

Like any parent I live and breathe these two souls. I am with them every morning to see them greet the world, to see what makes them cry and what brings joyous giggles. I see anxiety, fear or frustration rise in their bodies when others only see an awkward smile. I know what each of them needs to feel safe and loved. I see what motivates passion and inspiration in their actions. Because oh golly gosh they are complex beings with so many little quirks that only I will notice. They are unique individuals with needs that are theirs alone. This is why I am parenting the way I am.

Am I parenting the way I dreamt I would? No. To be honest there are some things I do that I don’t agree with, yet in our situation it is necessary. For instance I would really rather not helicopter parent at parks, but I happen to have a son that has gross motor challenges and a skull with giant holes in it, soooooo bring on the propellers people. Parenting is a journey of trusting your instincts and trusting your child, because each one is on a different path that requires a unique approach.

kiss bostonDo not get me wrong, I am all for sharing information and methods and tools; what works for you? what studies have been done to support it? what makes you uncomfortable? And yes, if a parent is at the point of seriously endangering their child with their actions, of course intervention is important. But when it comes to the nitty gritty, when another parent is obviously trying their upmost to do the very best for their child, wouldn’t it be nice if what we felt was not judgement but instead admiration and empathy.  As a parent wouldn’t it be nice to feel understood and accepted for the choices you have spent countless hours contemplating and evaluating. Let us all remember that every parent is the specialist in their child’s life, and they alone can discover the best way to nurture their child.

Mum out there…

Dad out there…

You are doing an amazing job xox

Could you parent a child with special needs?

~ Mumsgoneclimbing ~ 2 Comments

Well here is the truth of it…you probably don’t get a choice.

Since Boston was born the way I listen to prospective parents discussing their future children has changed. I hear them gush and plan and talk about who they will look like and what sports they will play. There is a weird certainty to these conversations, like the path is laid out so clearly one could almost touch it. There is no judgement as I listen, I find any planning of children utterly joyful, but there is a little thought that almost always crosses my mind.

There is a chance the soul who chooses you will be extra unique, that your child like ours will have special needs, and I see that you do not see this as part of your path just as we also did not.

SN BosWhether you believe you could or could not cope with special needs the fact is you probably won’t have a choice. People often ask if we knew Boston had a syndrome before he was born. Nope; perfect pregnancy, wonderful scans, amazing birth. No sign that anything could be out of the ordinary with our babe. But it is a story I have heard in our community of unique souls over and over. Whether it is a saethre-chotzen, craniosynostosis, down syndrome, asperges, autism…the list goes on, and most of us had not a clue to guide us.

I want to share a poem by Emily Perl Kingsley with you, it is called ‘Welcome to Holland’. If you are a parent of a child with special needs you may have already come across this one. I want to share it because here is the thing, let me reassure you, if you happen to have a child with special needs you will cope, maybe not all the time but on a whole YOU WILL. More then that, you will gosh darn love those windmills and tulips with every ridiculous inch of your soul 😉

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.