How to cope with the lead up to surgery

Next week the most important person in our world is facing his second major surgery. Some very skilled surgeons will cut open his head, carefully remove his skull from around his beautiful three year old brain, then cut it up, remould it and put it all back together with the help of a little titanium. No big deal.

IMG_3925_fotorOkay lets face it most parents would have a heart attack just contemplating the thought of something like this. So how do I cope with impeding poo scary surgery. I like to call it the delusion technique… has a romantic sound to it right? Pretty much what you do is 90% of the time you go about life pretending like everything is normal. Make small talk with neighbours, complain about the weather, plan your next family camping trip, post adorable photo’s on instagram. Occasionally you will have flashes of walking away from your baby (yes three is still a baby) who has fallen asleep in your arms with the help of some gas, walking away and knowing his life is someone else’s hands, walking away sobbing as controllably as possible. When those flashes come up you just swallow really hard and push them back down. It will probably make you feel ill, work through that though, and soon enough you can go back to pretending all is normal.¬†

So that is it! Super simple.

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Okay… okay… that is part of what I do, but it isn’t always very healthy and it does need a little back up. So here is the top five other things I do to help ease the anxiety.

  1. Have emotional meltdowns. I use my husband. He is my rock and safe place, so if I need to release it all in a not so pretty way that is where I head.
  2. Talk about everything with someone who cares. Cares about you, cares about your child and has unconditional love. I have some special girlfriends for this.
  3. Meditate. I am not always spectacular at having regular practice but during these times I find some mindful meditation eases the world off my shoulders. Still loving the Headspace app.
  4. Surround yourself with support. We have the most wonderful family and they are there every step of the way. My mum is literally there for every single appointment, and it truly is a blessing.
  5. Keep life balanced. It is so important during these times to do a little of the delusion technique and bring fun and joy into life. Enjoy good food, take a walk somewhere beautiful, be super silly with your children and breath deeply.

That is really it. Sort of super simple.

xox

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The Art of Receiving

24 hours ago we launched a fundraising page for our son Boston. It felt really weird…

As many of you will know our little guy, cute as a button busy as a bee, was born with Saethre-Chotzens Syndrome which caused craniosynostosis. He has already had one major surgery for cranial vault remodelling, and this year we hit what seemed to be a medical storm resulting in… Boston needing another major surgery.

IMG_3867_fotorWe’ve decided to travel to ‘The Australian Craniofacial Unit’ in Adelaide. They are an amazing team who have dedicated their professional lives to understanding this incredible field.¬†Founded and lead by Professor David David, an extraordinary man who learnt from the father of craniofacial surgery, Paul Tessier.

Although the choice seems easy I can assure you it took time and much deliberation. One factor that crossed the table was money. We are lucky in Australia, most medical expenses will be covered by medicare, but repeated trips to a city in which we know no one…that would be our responsibility. Adding together flights, transfers and accommodation for just pre operative visits…BOOM $3000. By the time we are heading home from surgery we’ll be up around $9000 and then there will be post operative check ups 8 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 12, months. BUT there was no way we would let money be the decider in our son’s health, this is his skull we are talking about, his vision, his brain…his future. So the house deposit we’ve been saving got promptly dipped into, and we felt lucky we even had the option.

A few weeks ago my very good friend brought up the idea of fundraising. “hmmm like selling freddos??” I asked. Clearly I had no experience or idea about fundraising, but the other issue I had was it just felt weird. Asking for help felt strange, and for me asking for money felt very strange. Of course Boston’s health is an amazing and worthy cause, in fact any fundraising we did would also help to spread awareness about craniofacial abnormalities and that is a wonderful cause. But it made me nervous, were we worthy? did we have a right to ask? there are people fleeing war torn countries, surely we should suck it up? I set our original goal at $4000 until my husband pointed out that would only cover a small portion of cost and “ah what are you thinking Nell? just set it at $10000″… Why did it feel so awkward?

Well 24 hours ago we launched gofundme.com/bostonsadventure and we have just hit $7330 IN DONATIONS! Ahhhh YES-ONE-DAY- SEVEN-THOUSAND. To say we are completely gobsmacked, awed and overwhelmed is an understatement. The love and generosity that has spilled in has been the most heart warming thing EVER. Whether people have donated, sent beautiful well wishes or shared our cause, it has just been so beautiful to see the love that surrounds our son. And what have I been doing today? Predominately walking around with a stunned confused look on my face.

We live in¬†a society in which¬†we are pushed to focus on what we¬†have, and are constantly encouraged to have the biggest and best of EVERYTHING. You can do it alone, and do it better then the “Joneses”. The¬†reality of¬†being connected to our community and village takes more energy then waking up next to your cousins hut, these days¬†family is spread across the country and around the world. Yes,¬†we are all connected through technology… yet rarely do we hold each others hands… and sometimes we forget. We forget that we are nothing without each other. We forget that giving to those we love can be the most cherished¬†part of our lives. We forget how to rely on others, and how to let others feel the joy of helping us.

To everyone who has taken part in Boston’s fundraiser today and into the future, we can not thank you enough. Now with every flight, appointment, blood test, scan and surgery, I will carry the thought of all of you. You have ownership of Boston’s journey…we are in this together… and that beyond all dollar signs is the most important thing xox

 

Dear Nurse D and Doctor C

Thankyou. From the bottom of¬†my heart and more then you will ever realise…THANKYOU. Today you took the time, and little as it was, it was so very precious. You took the time to see our son as a person, not just a patient.¬†

Because, Nurse D and Doctor C, when we pulled up in this hospital carpark what did I see? I saw my son’s face turn to fear, tears fill his eyes, his lips tremble and his fists clench. For the hundredth time my heart broke for him and broke because I could not protect him from this fear, could not protect him from why it is here.

IMG_3633_fotorThen Nurse D and Doctor C you took the time. You became his friend, you paid attention to his boundaries, you spoke with him of Pooh bear and his favourite park, about his birthday and his party, you made a game of all that had to be done and you invited him to be part of it.

So now he is telling us a story, in the elaborate miming way he does, of the visit we had. Of a nurse with tickle stickers attached to colourful cords and a doctor with a little bear who helps him treat patients. Then inevitably¬†about the park we visited after we saw you, prioritys don’t change after all.

Nurse D and Doctor C

THANK YOU