Do you ever hear people singing your praises and not really grasp what they are saying? There is the perception of me that other people hold and then there is the perception I hold of myself. When I write a great post, that I am proud of and which is inspiring to others, readers share the most beautiful comments with me. “You are so strong””You have the best outlook on life””Your family is so blessed”. Part of me believes and embraces these ideas… I know how lucky I am, I know I am a good and positive person, I know how much I care about those around me, how important it is to me that I can give them my support and love, I know they are truly grateful… But these wonderful positive things I know about myself is not what my mind repeats all the time.
No, it usually focuses on the day in day out stuff (and it’s not exactly an inspiring monologue). The fact I haven’t exercised much, that I haven’t practiced yoga in a year even though I love it, that I should be eating better, spending less time on Facebook and more time enriching Boston’s life. That I annoyed Steve because I didn’t sleep well, getting frustrated with myself because waking at 5am puts me in a grumpy mood for the first 30minutes of my day. Watching movies instead of researching education options, not meditating (I have been putting this off for hmm….29 years), not really following my bliss because I get weighed down with life stuff, the fact that life stuff is so amazing yet I still feel weighed down, why I am not really living with the joy I am capable of!!! Each night I lie down next to Boston and feel so positive about everything I will embrace tomorrow, then CRAP there goes another day and hmmm what did I do???
I think you get the point I am making here. Yes my blog is called Nella Inspired, but I do not always feel it and I often entertain some pretty negative dialogues about myself. I have such a tremendous amount of love and admiration for those around me. My close friends are not acquaintances they are more like family, and my family are amazing. But it is my observation that we all have trouble seeing our own greatness, our own value to those we love. Even the amazing people in my life seem to lack a full understanding of their greatness. Some times I want to grab them and be like “DONT YOU SEE HOW FREAKIN AMAZING YOU ARE!!!”. But is it a case of the pot calling the kettle black? Why is it so easy to see greatness in others yet so hard to regularly give ourselves the same positive re-enforcement?
I for one am sick of this problem, and YES it is a problem because every negative thought that passes through our minds stops us from living the positive life we are capable of. Lets get one thing straight before I end this. I honestly am NOT looking for praise, I know you think I am freakin awesome… it’s a given 😉 I simply want to put honesty out there and admit I don’t always think I am freakin awesome. I DO want to know whether you suffer the same affliction, do you have trouble recognising your own awesomeness?
3 thoughts on “Battles with doubt”
Yes…this sounds very familiar! I did a women’s studies course at uni years ago and remember discussing this kind of thing. We had watched a video about a whole lot of very successful women (in the career sense) who appeared to have it all, but they were saying “I keep expecting someone to find out one day that I’m no good at my job”, “I doubt myself every day and can’t believe no one notices”. I don’t think this kind of self-doubt/loathing is something special to women, maybe women are just more open about it? Anyway, beating myself up too much definitely steals my joy! I try to celebrate small victories, accept that I’m never going to live up to my idea of perfect, and embrace the self-doubt to a certain extent because it keeps me humble and is source of compassion for others… Hmmm, thanks for the opportunity to reflect on that 🙂
Thanks for your thoughts Chez…funny enough sometimes we just need a little reminder to reflect on these things. It definitely is not just a female thing, I have discussions about it with my partner pretty often, but ladies do tend to blab about their emotions on a more regular basis 😉 I am trying to incorporate little affirmations into my day since I wrote this. Super simple like ” I am a great mum” “I am such a loving person” “I have a beautiful life” and it is amazing how much they help, just have to stop forgetting to think them, thanks for the reminder!
Yessss!! I have just (hours ago) had this converation with a friend! She is going through a rough patch, feeling quite low about where “everything” currently is/and going in her and her families life.
She kept saying “I look at you and think ‘how do you do it’?! 3 children, one on its way, involved in sports and study, yet still having time to cheerlead for your crazy friend!”
I kept laughing! What are you talking about?! Its all chaos here too! I constantly feel like I’m failing/not doing “enough”!
I really empathise with comments above too- waiting for someone to catch you out as not being good enough?!
Deep down surely we all know, we are doing great, is it a natural instinct to strive for better or have we yet to unlock some spiritual awakening and truly believe our greatness/be mindful and content with where/who/what we are?
Either way, Im so glad to have come across your posts Nell! Thank you cranio 😘